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nanowrimo 2010

Louderblog

Diary of a Blind Madman

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Having a rotten time.
nanowrimo 2010
louderback
Yesterday depressed me mightily. Not that it was such a horrendous day, just that it contained not anything in any way good.

After a day of feeling physically bad (tired) and mentally exhausted and disgruntled, I had a rotten night's sleep. I fell asleep early again (20:30) and spent a restless night, waking every hour or so. I dreamed and was unaffected by it. It seemed an incredibly pointless dream.

Today has started poorly. I visited Dr. Rocks who has discharged me. He declines to do anything about Junior (my adjunct grape) and I am inclined to feel the same. I just don't want to go through that sort of surgery again for what would be essentially a cosmetic removal. Taking the bump off would not help my vision, so why bother?

I had to deal with a tax problem this morning. Apparently the State of Missouri has somehow noticed that I filed Federal Income Tax in 1999 but didn't pay them Missouri Income Tax in that year. No reason why I should, I worked in Florida and later Washington that year, but not in Missouri. I wonder if they're going to ding me for every year from 1980 to 2000 on the theory that I worked out of state all those years too? My part of it is not too tough to work with. I will mail the letter to my tax preparers and forget it.

My short term disability apparently ran out last week. My latest paycheck is about half what it used to be. I guess the next one will be zero. I am trying to get back to work. I have set a date for the 26th and am trying to get my doctor, my work and all the dozens of others involved to agree. I don't know what to do next, though. I don't understand the process at all. I just hope that once I get back to work I will actually be able to do something productive. The prospect of changing jobs/professions at this point in my life leaves me amort. I do not relish the prospect in any degree whatsoever. Nor, I confess, to I look on returning to my current job with great relish. The prospect of trying to review large quantities of code in my current state is daunting.

My nephew phoned a few minutes ago. I am glad to hear from him. My mother has been anxious to talk to him. I didn't want him to hear of her brief hospital visit second hand. He worries.

I've spoken to Michael and LuTron both in the last couple of weeks. Michael is apartment-shopping and trying to get a cell-phone. LuTron is depressed and depressing but seems to be coping. I am not in a very nurturing mode at the moment. I'd love to be helpful and supportive to these two (and my other boys) but can't bring myself to get involved. I hope there are no bad consequences thereby. I'm increasingly self-absorbed of late and that is rarely good for me.

Have you ever been stricken by nostalgia for a lifestyle you never lived?