I am utterly stressed out. I can't say, precisely, earlier entries will shed light on my attitude and the events of the day, but I cannot actually point to one thing and say "This is what is making me unable to sleep." I wish I could.
I have been thinking on things that I am better off ignoring. I think my problem right now is my sense of so many things impending. I feel as though I am standing in front of the Boston Marathon unable to get out of the way.
What if I'm not able to do my job anymore? Find a new job. Sounds easy to say. I'm too old. I'm disabled. I'm a hideous health risk fringing on uninsurable. Can I find another job. Yes. Am I capable of making the effort required? Maybe. Will I get a job that is worth that effort. Almost certainly not. I think in order to get another job I'll have to change professions.
I can't imagine what else I could do for a living. I can still write, but the job doesn't pay unless you're one of the twenty or so authors that actually make a living in the art. Ahhhh I'm just depressing myself. Good night.[ I have this recurring fantasy that I should become a fortune teller. If Miss Cleo can do it why not Mr. Karl? If I dress in black, display my dramatic scar and affect an eye-patch my appearance can be quite dramatic. Maybe a cape? I can read Tarot cards and palms. Why not? ]