Karl (louderback) wrote,


Things are shaping up toward a bad night. I am usually asleep by now.

I am utterly stressed out. I can't say, precisely, earlier entries will shed light on my attitude and the events of the day, but I cannot actually point to one thing and say "This is what is making me unable to sleep." I wish I could.

I have been thinking on things that I am better off ignoring. I think my problem right now is my sense of so many things impending. I feel as though I am standing in front of the Boston Marathon unable to get out of the way.

What if I'm not able to do my job anymore? Find a new job. Sounds easy to say. I'm too old. I'm disabled. I'm a hideous health risk — fringing on uninsurable. Can I find another job. Yes. Am I capable of making the effort required? Maybe. Will I get a job that is worth that effort. Almost certainly not. I think in order to get another job I'll have to change professions.

[ I have this recurring fantasy that I should become a fortune teller. If Miss Cleo can do it why not Mr. Karl? If I dress in black, display my dramatic scar and affect an eye-patch my appearance can be quite dramatic. Maybe a cape? I can read Tarot cards and palms. Why not? ]
I can't imagine what else I could do for a living. I can still write, but the job doesn't pay unless you're one of the twenty or so authors that actually make a living in the art.

Ahhhh… I'm just depressing myself. Good night.

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