Karl (louderback) wrote,

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I slept well. I suppose the pillows are going to leave me alone for a while.

Danger! Whining follows!

I dreamed of walking through an underground tunnel. Different mostly than my other underground dreams because it seemed to be neither dungeon nor cave, this dream went nowhere. Well, it went nearly to the end of the tunnel.

I don't know what to do at this point. My efforts to improve my brother's situation are bearing no fruit. He is utterly resistant to any sort of help. He still refuses to talk to anyone but my mother and the topic of improving his life is one he won't discuss even with her.

On the subject of my mother, her morning at the emergency room has not reformed her. I had to argue with her (that does not happen) to get her to consent to the attendance of a cardiologist. This is a woman who has had a double bypass, has angina at least once a month and feels chronically listless and exhausted. She feels there's no reason to have a "heart doctor" in attendance. *sigh*

My own health is causing me troubles. In addition to my aversion to having Junior and his parent site irradiated (my brain has been promoted to my very favorite organ and I don't want to fiddle with it) I am having sleeping problems, breathing problems, and a host of minor complaints. I am going to have to ask Dr. Rocks about some medication of some sort. Things are looking bleak.

I hate feeling powerless and that is precisely how I feel. I can be content as long as I feel I am having an influence in how things are going but I don't feel like that is happening. Too many things are wrong in my life right now that I seem unable to correct or even improve. I am feeling for the first time the powerlessness of being unable to drive. I am feeling for the first time the helplessness of my own physical weakness. I've never been weak before save while recuperating from an illness. Now I feel that sort of weakness all the time. My continuing weight fluctuations are a problem as well. My close hang off me most of the time and you know how uncomfortable that can be. Just one more irritation.

I am also feeling an incredible intellectual weakness as well. I am truly unable to grasp any large quantity of information from the tapes to which I am listening these days. The lack of input has left me feeling starved on several fronts. I don't "read" much, don't follow the news, don't have any favorite TV shows. I don't play chess, hang around the mall, sit in the local bar and get drunk. I don't even wander the streets aimlessly mumbling to myself. Any of those would some sort of improvement I think.

I have isolated myself badly. Other than immediate family I talk to nobody. That is the way I want it most of the time. I feel like I would be ashamed to meet with anyone who knew me from even a year ago. I remember my friend Bob visiting from Florida and how depressed I was that I was unable to follow his conversation. I can't keep up anymore. I feel like the wreck of myself lying beside the tracks and hearing the other trains go by lamenting my unfortunate situation. I have a hideous fear that they start laughing once they get out of my hearing.

I never was much of a much, but this fall from the relatively dizzying heights of a year ago makes me feel pretty worthless. My few contacts with others tend to reinforce my impressions. I hear a word here, a word there that makes me think people are shaking their heads sadly. It wasn't that long ago that people listened to me, that my entrance into a room or a group was noticed. I don't think I could get noticed with a hand grenade.

I don't want this to be this way. I'm not ready to be inconsequential. Not now, not this quickly, this way.

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