Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

Call the Waahmbulance!

Depressed in front of my Computer!

         I don't think I need say much more than is expressed by the cartoon…

         I'm struggling hard with depression. It is not a matter of me having such a hard life to live. It is more a matter of my state of mind. In most respects, things should be considered as "going great!" While far from affluent, I have enough income that I should be living without stress. I have my sister at home to take care of many things I cannot do. I never miss a meal. I have adequate care for my health. I have abundant time to write — fiction or code as I wish — I am a lucky man. I can't bring myself to think in those terms, though.

         I am fixated on my failings. I can't manage my money anymore, I simply lack the mental acuity. I can no longer watch television. Even a 10' projection in my living room just is not bright enough for me to be able to follow visually. I have to listen to programs of a "talky" sort — the kind that explain the action or don't rely on visuals heavily — or watch movies on my computer monitor/television. Sadly, even that is becoming harder as my vision fails. 42" needs to become 50" and even then, I don't know how bright I can make it and still watch without tiring my eyes after only a short time.

         I'm losing so much, so much faster than I thought I would. My heart is going, my legs are going, my lungs are going, and, of course, my eyes.

         I guess a lot of it is that I lack a support group of any sort. I have no relatives, no friends (Well, I do, but they can be numbered on one hand and the relationships aren't that great). I was hoping to rely on my kids in these years, but they are spread from Japan to Eastern Europe and are much to busy with their lives to deal with mine. And, as I said, I guess I don't really have problems that are all that bad. I'm retired and getting older — that's not really supposed to be a living Hell, y'know?

Tags: aging, depression, finances
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