Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

My so called life sucks.

I spent the lunch hour with the Mighty Bob, Mahatma of the Mainframe. It was distressing. He is not a kid anymore but he seemed like a young man to me. I used to hang out with teenagers in my fifties and fit right in. I couldn't keep up with Bob. Honestly I had trouble following some of his conversation. He's too fast for me now. I hadn't realized.

That's bullshit. I was about to say I hadn't realized how far I've fallen, but I know absolutely how far. My mind is like a steel trap. A rusty steel trap. It snapped shut a while ago and will take a prybar and a bath in graphite to open it up again.

Damn. I didn't think I'd mind getting old. "You're only as old as you feel." What a contemptible lie.

When did it happen? When did I start falling behind? I guess Seattle was my last gasp. I nearly got away. From there I was going to Australia. It may be that the land down under was just a fantasy. Maybe it was, but I fully intended to go. Now I don't fully intend to do anything. I nearly got away.

I'm appalled at the state of my mind. I used to keep up on the latest in a dozen areas. I don't even read anymore. I re-read fiction. Fiction! That I've already read! Why? I don't teach. I don't learn. My idea of being informed is the Drudge Report and weather.com. Gods, when did it happen? My idea of a good time these days is when I run across some quirky article with a spin on it to post to Badvogato. With someone else's spin. The quirks used to be mine or at least applied by me.

This is depressing.

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