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nanowrimo 2010


Diary of a Blind Madman

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2006.325 disintegrating
Today's Movie Quote: "Initiative comes to thems that wait."

         I lack initiative today. I'm in a lot of pain. Arthritis is killing my left hip, my right knee, and my right shoulder. The house is cold, exacerbating the problem. Frigidity of environment and rigidity of joints seem to produce an ugly synergy in my pain transmitters.

         I recently renewed my fascination with Bruce Campbell, another of those many men on my "Underappreciated Actors" list. My sister has read two of his books recently (I can't find them on audio anywhere). If Chins Could Kill and Make Love* The Bruce Campbell Way both seem interesting and hilarious.

         I am finding it hard to manage a variety of tasks lately. My ability to cope with my environment seems to be eroding. I can't concentrate well anymore. That skill has eroded for years, but it is becoming disabling. It is keeping me from writing. It is keeping me from handling my finances. It is keeping me in the dark about my surroundings.

         I don't know if I've discussed this before, but a lot of my ability to function depends on my peculiar ability to gauge spatial relationships and a horrendous amount of reasoning and guessing. In the NLP books they talk about "uptime". The definition is vague but more or less runs to "a heightened state of awareness in which the ability to correlate observations of the environment, and learn based on observation, inference, and deduction are improved". I pretty much live like that. That is how I walk around without bumping into things. Unfortunately, it is exorbitantly exhausting. Now I feel I'm losing that capability. I find it harder to get around, harder to pick up things without spilling, and so forth. I don't know what to do about this.

         It is exquisitely horrible to feel myself disintegrating in this fashion.


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I wish I could help...but I just don't know what to do. Pain really can errode everything...I wonder if that it's the source of the degradation... I can't even describe how pain totally screws everything up for me. It's like having part of myself "busied out" by static, by nothing.

I'm sorry it sucks so bad.

I don't know what to tell you man. I'm sorry.

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