I am just so tired.
My days are dreary of late. There is a lot going on, renovations to the house, changes to my medicines, changes to my health, you name it. With all this change I find myself still bored. My time is bleak of late.
I'm having to watch the salt in my diet these days. One more thing to add to the list of trivial indignities I live with. Ordinarily such things are because of blood pressure problems. I haven't those, but rather problems with my feet swelling. I don't know precisely why they swell, but when I drink less of diet pepsi (a major source of sodium in my diet) my feet don't swell. I am slowly being riven of even the most minor of my vices. I once read that old age is that period in a man's life when he reviles the vices he no longer has the enterprise to commit. I find I don't so much revile as mourn the loss of my vices.
There are days when I hope for my chest pains to bloom into a full heart attack just so I can not call 911. Does that make me suicidal? (Joey, Max, Don, DON'T CALL. It was a rhetorical question.)
I find myself thoroughly disgusted with all things around me these days. Everything gets on my nerves, all things seem dismal. I don't watch television at all if I can help it. Every show just irritates me. I watched a recent episode of Law & Order today and am still viscerally knotted. A pedophile was killed as part of a plot by a reality show producer to improve ratings on a show exploiting persons who had been molested. I suppose it was an excellent episode as it stirred me up and has kept me so. I hated the producer, I detested the pedophile, I didn't even sympathize with the victim, but did feel bad for both the "bad guys" in the episode - the self-same producer and pedophile. How left-leaning reactionary fascist right-wing can one episode get? I am conflicted! Can I not watch this without feeling sympathy for a pedophile? Can I not watch this without being enraged that the victim of the pedophile is being punished for her vengeance? Isn't there someone in this fucking episode I can unequivocally love or detest? Bah!
Everything affects me that way these days. I am so tired of people, yet I hardly see anyone. I detest people pretending to want my opinion. I heard that most people who ask for advice merely want to be told that they are right. Of late, those who ask my advice then argue with me, no matter what my advice, until I am wrong. What is it about me that makes people so vehemently wish to catch me in error? It's been like that all my life. It is excruciatingly irritating these days.
I'm just whining now. More another time.