Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

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2006.15 I don't like this

Today's Movie Quote: " I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

         I've been everywhere and done everything. People don't believe me sometimes, but it's just the way it is. I've led a varied life, I suppose that would be the best word - varied. And I do feel it is lost. So much of me has slipped away.

         I had a lengthy chat with a friend today, trying to steer him to doing something — anything — to fill in some hours. He wouldn't say so but he was feeling suicidal and scared about it. I know well that feeling, and how helpless you fell to do anything about it. I think he'll be OK. I hope so.

         I woke with the intention of writing today and always found something useless to do instead. I don't know why writing is a chore these days. Perhaps it is time to just give up the idea. I've all my life been an inveterate reader, and I spend time and energy trying to hang on to that in some form. I've written as automatically as I breath for 40 years and am holding quite unsuccessfully to that. I suppose you have to let go of old facets of your life to allow new ones room to grow, but self-redefinition is not something I enjoy. I've always been able to make changes, usually have welcomed them. These changes are too fundamental.

         Here's a ponderable: I've often joked with my friends about a "full body transplant" - meaning If I could just keep this mind and get a nice new version to replace all else. Would you do it? Would you do it if you had to take the life that went with the replacement body? Could you adjust to being a bicycle repairman in Hong Kong or a sausage vendor in Vienna? Would you if you could?

         I don't want to reinvent myself. I don't want to be someone else doing things I didn't used to do. I want what I had. I want what I've always wanted, what the person I am has wanted. I don't want to be someone else wanting what that person wants.

         I want to stop whining.

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