Karl (louderback) wrote,

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Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.

Time to limbo

I'm feelin' pretty low. I went to H&R Block to have my taxes done today. It was worse than I thought. I paid over $2k in taxes this year because I depleted my 401k while waiting for my disability (took 3 years) to get decided. This years taxes were just about $70 short of two months of disability checks. It is going to take me a year to recover from this. At least I won't ever have this problem again. I certainly have no more savings to deplete.  


I watched Shaun of the dead today. I honestly was surprised. I expected it to be pretty awful. I fail to be very enthused by it but it wasn't nearly as lame as I thought it would be. I actually recommend it as a diversion when you have naught else to occupy your time.

At the end of my rope

Some of you more long-time readers may remember a post "at the end of my rope" from back in 2003, which was actually revisiting a list of whines and complaints I started back in 2002. I find, sadly, that the list has changed but not by much. I'm going through it again in this post. Don't inflict it on yourself if you don't enjoy my style of whine combined with faux rant.

Family Stuff

My Mother's problems are no longer an issue, she passed away.

My Sister's problems are still at hand, but bother me less than they used to. Guess I'm getting calloused.

My Brother's property that I shared ownership with is no longer an issue nor is my brother who should be getting out of prison in October or so.

My health

is not improving. I still don't sleep, still am awakened by twitches and cramping in my legs, have ever increasing neuropathy and numbness in my feet and legs.

My weight is just not under my control any more. I've gained a pretty permanent 20 pounds and now lay about at around 260. My diet is something I fail to control as well. I'm still pretty much eating the right things (with fairly regular departures into the land of comfort food) but way too much of it.

The Weather

I still have the headache (the same one) that I've had since August of 2002. I don't notice it much, most of the time. Mostly it is a problem when the weather is bad. The weather also affects my right knee and shoulder, sometimes my right hip, and in the last month or so, the fingers of my right hand.

My teeth 

are surfacing as a new health problem. They have begun to go. They've never been good. Now I must find a dentist that takes my insurance. I've had two root canals in the last 30 years. Neither was a problem, and neither actually hurt. Neither was performed in Missouri. I guess I had to run out of luck some time.

My eyes

have begun to get more blurry. I find that out-of-doors I am more blind than in low light indoors. I suppose I'm going to have to start wearing sunglasses whenever I go out. It seems such a "blind" thing to do. I find myself reluctant. In February, I went to the Outlet Mall in Osage Beach, MO for a shopping trip with several friends. I discovered then that I do not have as much vision as I think I do.

My life is rather circumscribed these days. I spend most days at home without going so far as the mailbox. My environment is under my control and while it can't be called "fixed" it is pretty stable. I know where everything is. I don't get many surprises. Whenever I leave the house for an environment I can't control, well, I bump into things I don't expect. Some times that is the literal truth.


or, technically, my inability to do so has been a long standing complaint. I used to read about a paperback a week on the average, often a paperback a day. I read very fast and immersed myself completely in books. I have found nothing to replace that. I can read, after a fashion. I enlarge things on my screen and blear at them through my befogged eyes. I read about ten words a minute that way. I get the screen reader on my computer to help. I can read most anything that I can download that way, and there are a couple of good resources (Project Gutenberg and Book Share) out there, but even when I can find something I want to read, I never do. The screen reader brings my reading speed up to a whopping 30 or 40 a minute. I type that fast. I used to read 1900 words a minute. That's about 8 pages. Being read to by a screen reader, even a good one, is so slow that I am unable to pay attention. If I run it up fast enough that I must pay attention it is so unenjoyable as to put me off doing it.

Books on tape are equally difficult, they suffer the same speed problems plus the (OK, I admit this is petty) problem of them choosing awful narrators for many of the books. One of the first books on tape I ever bought was Anne Rice's "The Vampire Lestat". I remember that Lestat was supposed to be speaking to you as the narrator of the book in many places. It was horrible. They chose a man with an incredibly lispy voice (that Castilian hissing "S") who had the most simply (no offense is intended) "faggy" manner I've ever heard. It was so distracting I threw the book away.

That was a first for me by the way. In those days I was occasionally heard to say I'd rather lose a finger than destroy a book, and I meant it. My reverence for books is extreme. The next hideous experience was a "Hardy Boys" mystery that seemed to be narrated by Louis Armstrong after a three-day bender and way too many smokes. I never liked the Hardy Boys anyway.

I used to "immerse" myself in books. It was an experience for which I have no word. I was detached, concentrating, "in another world". The experience was a fluid, escapist nirvana for me. There is nothing in my life to replace that and after three years I find it is a nagging pain to think of it. I think it is the reason I sometimes break down and cry without any visible cause.

I'm seeing a shrink

and a psychologist as well. Love the psychologist and hate the shrink. I need to find a way to get better. I don't want to live the lifestyle of depression. I know a number of people who do so and I don't want to live like that.

My world

is much too circumscribed. I have no friends anymore. None of the people I call friends these days have actually been in my presence, they are all "online" friends. I don't denigrate the value of their friendship, but it is far from the same thing as having people in your life. I have never had trouble making friends any time in my life. It has always been an easy thing for me to adopt people at work, meet them at gatherings of many sorts, and become acquainted in a variety of ways. People, in general, will befriend me if I make an effort. There is no reasonable way for me to accomplish this anymore.

I hate Missouri
1 They have attitudes I hate
2 It is a backwater culturally and socially
3 The people here don't like me and I don't like them
4 I hate the laws
5 The bureaucracy is inefficient and obnoxious
6 The weather sucks
7 I can't find good restaurants
8 The groceries are poor quality and not much variety
9 I'm not having any fun 
10 It is a backwater culturally and socially
11 The people here don't like me and I don't like them
12 I hate the laws
13 The bureaucracy is inefficient and obnoxious
14 The weather sucks
15 I can't find good restaurants
16 The groceries are poor quality and not much variety
17 They have attitudes I hate

That said, I see no way to escape this place. All of my money, all of the money I will ever have, is tied up in this house that I bought for my parents. It is too big for me, but unsaleable in any profitable way. If I could get out from under, I would be unable to buy another house anywhere else that I wish to live. That leaves me paying rent and depleting myself into poverty fairly quickly. I need an innovative solution. Maybe some fool in Florida will trade homes with me.

My job
was an enormous entry on my list. I guess it is solved now. I don't miss it in any way nor do I wish ever to return to it. Should it happen that I can ever be employed again, I prefer to do something else. I wish I could do that somehow.

Whining is now complete. We return you to your regularly scheduled apathy.


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