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nanowrimo 2010


Diary of a Blind Madman

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Phasing in and out
nanowrimo 2010


The fog in which I live is getting thicker around me. People are remarking about it. I was told need to come back to the world and I find that I have no real desire to do so. I don't like it there.

We all have a place to which we retreat. I have never really had that place that people talk about — their "safe" place. I recall an occasion when I was hypnotized and the hypnotist told me to go to my safe place. He was utterly confused when I didn't know what to do. I was confused by his confusion. I felt sorry for the poor man. I never had such a place. He kept trying to move me to a place of "tranquility". He wanted me to go to a place where I felt "serene". I never managed to do that. Maybe I am just too much the literalist but I never did associate the feeling of serenity with a "place".

I've been trying to communicate to my therapist for a couple of years a feeling in my life that was lost with my vision. I don't know that it was my "safe place" or that the feeling lost is that of serenity or of tranquility. It is something akin to those things.

Hypnotists talk about trance states and levels of trance, depths of trance. When reading, often when simply concentrating I would "zone out" and be "somewhere else". Some call it daydreaming. Others would say of me that I was "a million miles away". None of that conveys accurately what was happening. My awareness of myself was never precisely detached. There was a disassociation from most mundane concerns and my state might accurately be described as dissociate in the medical sense but my awareness was also enhanced considerably in other ways. Simply described, it was a state of focused or intense concentration. That of course fails utterly to describe the state in other than quantitative terms leaving the quality of the experience undefined. It is that which I have always been unable to explain to anyone.

Lacking that experience in my life has left me empty in many ways. It was an escape of sorts that was quite necessary to me. I didn't know that it was so. I was addicted and only knew it once I was forced into withdrawal.

I wonder if I am slowly fading into that place? Am I trying to move into that experience that I cannot have by reading in some different way? Is that experience just creeping up on me, restoring itself to my life?

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As usual, you put your emotions into words so expressively. Thank you for sharing. I hope and pray you can and will find your "safe" place, and use it to your advantage. I never considered myself having a safe place, except during those times of intense pain or discomfort, when I would dissociate, and go and be elsewhere. I truly wish you peace Karl. You have been through so much , and more lately....bless you hon.

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