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nanowrimo 2010


Diary of a Blind Madman

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Filling in the blanks
marvin pondering
Dear LiveJournal Friends,

I've neglected you woefully for some weeks. I apologize. I make no empty promise to treat you better. I've proven faithless with such in the past. I will try.

The last month has been difficult in a few ways. What little I have reported to you just begins to cover the basics.

  • I've been dieting, informally.
  • My medicines have been changed. In conjunction with the dieting this has caused a series of seizures.
  • My disability letter finally arrived. My disability pay did not do so.
  • My sister has been in the hospital.
  • I had surgery on my hand for Dupuytren's contracture. It was one of the good moments of my month.
  • I have learned, somewhat, to interpret my dog's ability to sense my seizures.
  • I had a massage.

  • I don't think I've lost any weight in the last month, I may actually have gained. That is the way things go when I consciously try to control my diet. Thinking about food makes me eat it, not control the amount. The fact that I am consciously attempting to "eat a little less" leaves me hungry. I am defeating myself. I need to find a better way to do this. I recently started on a medicine called topamax which often leads to weight loss. I have seen no evidence of this so far.

    To my usual witches brew of medicines we have added topamax a "mood stabilizer". It has been added not to stabilize my mood but to cure my incessant headache. Thus far is has done neither. Perhaps it takes a while to get into the system. Mayhap a porcine flyby will occur. Avandamet has also been added to the mix. This is not actually a new medicine, I think, as it incorporates avandia and metformin into a single pill, both substances I currently ingest. The only significant change I have notice from the change in medications is that I now have frequent low blood sugars and my diarrhea is incessant and even more unpleasant than usual.

    My disability letter detailing just how much disability I will be paid arrived this week. It is approximately half what I was led to believe. I don't understand that so I will have to have a conversation with Social Security and with my lawyer. The back pay is about what was expected. It will however, be withheld until such time as Social Security sees fit for such reasons as they feel sufficient. I am confused. I think that may have been their intent. I am, however reassured to know that my attorney was reimbursed immediately.

    Sis underwent an outpatient procedure called a colonoscopy. The less said of it the better. I am very nervously waiting on the results of the biopsy — very nervously.

    The surgery on my hand was perhaps the most pleasant surgical procedure I've ever had. I recall that I have already written on this. I will not burden you with a further recap save to say that the seizures I've had have, I think damaged the surgery and I am upset about that. The incision caused me no pain at all since the surgery until last night when I think I damaged the interior of the cut. The sutures have not opened but I think the inside did. It is leaking lightly. I called the doctor but since I am scheduled to see them tomorrow they don't feel that it is worth an early visit or an trip to the emergency room.

    At the behest of my shrinkologist, I visited a masseuse. The experience was my first such in over 20 years. I've had massages in that period, but not by professionals. The benefit was unquestionable. I enjoyed it, at a minimum. Sadly the relief I felt was of short duration. I had two seizures the same day and the muscle cramping I experienced undid almost all the uncramping of my back and leg muscles she had managed. Sadly, this service is not covered by my insurance and can not be repeated any time soon.

    My seizures are coming fast and furious of late. Seizure may not be the correct for the suite of convulsive cramps and twitches I experience but nothing else suffices to describe the experience. I am certain that they are related to my low blood sugars. My dog Jirel becomes "solicitous" when I am about to have one of these episodes. It is different from her playful mode and significantly different from those times when she is groaking for food or begging for a snack. I'm getting better at spotting this mode. When she does this I sit down and put aside what I'm doing. It allows me to have my seizure lying down in a comfortable chair instead of walking down a hallway. I wonder how she knows?