Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

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Guilt

I didn't need to see it

I don't think I have had such a physical shock in many years. I watched the final episode of ER tonight and saw a woman in a traffic accident pinned against her car. I convulsed at seeing that. I wept a bit. I am still feeling very bad. I don't know how to shake this. It brought up horrible memories.

 

I didn't get there in time

Those of you who know me have heard the name Jeanneton. It was she with whom I adopted all the boys while I was in Miami. She passed away while the boys were still with us. I don't talk much about her and never discuss how she died save to say it was in a car accident. We were living at the Alexander at the time. She was crossing the parking lot and a man in a pickup truck backed up and pinned her against a car. She was nearly cut in half. I made it to the hospital while she was still in the Operating Room, but I had to come all the way from 99th and Flagler to get to Mt. Sanai on Michigan Avenue. They operated for nearly three hours, but she died in the operating room.

 

I didn't see it happen

I went to work early that day... early for me. I often showed up at FPL by 6:30 in the morning. That day I left Miami Beach before 4:30 and was at work not much after 5:00. The call came in at 9:00. I had been in a meeting since 8:00 and did not hear my messages until 10:00. Jeanneton and I argued the night before and I stomped out and went to work. That's what we argued about. I worked too much.

 

I didn't see it happen

I wasn't there when she was struck. I wasn't available when they called for consent. I wasn't available when they informed me where she was. I was working. I will always regret the impulse that kept me working when I had no need to work. I never saw the damage done to her. I didn't see the accident, nor the site, thank the fates for that. Tonight on ER I saw an accident similar enough to hers to shake me to the core. I can't stop thinking about it.

 
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