Karl (louderback) wrote,

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Today's updates and x-posts: baddreams </div>

I have been neglecting my journal. I just don't feel like writing most days. My life is very confused at the moment and the only thing I can do about most of it is just to wait. I don't know where I stand with my Insurance. I have no idea where I stand with work. I have no idea what my disability is going to come out like. I spend my days in the Walkers chat room.

The Walkers chat room has been a real haven for me. It is funny to me that in that place I am relaxed and everyone thinks me cheerful and funny. It is sort of a mirror for my life these days. I am always down, bitter, angry, biting back black sarcasm, but pretending otherwise. I smile and try to make with the banter. I don't think people realize how hollow it is. I have been doing what my M.D. told me and what my Shrink has said... keeping my life normal, acting like things are normal. I don't think it is good for me. I think it is bad for me. I just am not sure why I should keep up all the pretenses.

I am stressed out completely about a call from my shrinkologist last night. He returned my call to him confirming some information and my next appointment. He told me my insurance told him I had been reinstated. They told me I would be at some future date once they had more information. I am convinced they lie to me. I wonder if I have caught them lying to him? One thing I can say for sure. If they have reinstated me it hasn't affected my paycheck. As of 14:45 I haven't been paid.


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