Karl (louderback) wrote,


Today's updates and x-posts: None

Things just keep going wrong. Now the walkers in darkness chat room is down, perhaps for a long time. I recently went through a withdrawal that was as unpleasant as it was unexpected. An alternative chatroom has surfaced, but the hostility is palpable - something I just don't understand. I think the guy that ran walkers for 11 years accomplished a phenomenal thing. Now, because they are losing something they value, the inmates are hostile to him and splash blame around rather freely.

Those who know me will know that I cannot be said to have lived a sheltered life. I've been 'round behind the barn and I've been to see the elephant. I simply don't understand people. I guess I never will. I am finding myself thrown into contact with people from whom I have sheltered myself and I find that I can't cope anymore. I've tried all my life to surround myself with literate, articulate people with a breadth of experience and of tolerance. The crowd at the Salvation Army store doesn't qualify. The folks down at the welfare office don't qualify. The bureaucrats that wield supreme power over my life don't qualify.

All my life I have compensated for the people around me in a variety of ways. From something as small as saying "run over it" instead of the more correct "run it over" -- you'd be astounded at the perplexed and incredulous looks that one generates -- to literally confining my sentences to words of one syllable and my sentence length to less than ten words. To speak as I feel inclined generates hostility on an intolerable level. I've never understood why. I'll grant that my speech is less precise and much less ordered than it once was, I am having considerable trouble gathering my thoughts these days. Still, I am terrified that I am going to begin to think as they that surround me.

I cannot understand why the way I am organized is so utterly different from others'. I think so many of the things I do are simply sensible, but people react so strangely to simple things I do.

I keep my measuring cups on the counter for easy access. Why does everyone put them away? I don't put a measuring cup that has contained only water in the dishwasher- I just wipe it out and put it back. Why do people take it and wash it?

I stack bowls of different sizes and plates in separate stacks so I don't have to lift up smaller bowls to lift a larger one, so I don't have to move bowls in order to pick up a plate. How is that odd? People invariably stack bowls on top of plates and bowls within bowls - and look at me like I am demented when I change things back.

Well, I have begun whining. More later.

My idea of Hell has always been to be insane and to know it. Somehow, I think it is coming true. I am surrounded by cretinous dullards. Those of you who know me will be suitably appalled when I tell you that I am using those words precisely and that no hyperbole is intended. My attention span is fading. My ability to put together a strong sentence is diminishing. It takes me hours to write these journal entries. It used to take minutes. I have just reviewed my last few posts and am appalled at the degree to which they are fragmented. I am disappointed in how meandering and disjointed they seem. It is clear to me from the way people respond to me and to the things I do that I have become somehow disorganized. I don't know what it is though. That's the scary part. I know something is wrong but can't get far enough outside myself to see it. The still more frightening aspect of this is that I can't cope with the situation and know so.

I know everyone is going to tell me it is just the depression talking, but I really feel that my options are becoming increasingly limited.

I am surrounded by people with whom I have nothing in common.

My finances are destroyed. I have impoverished myself, literally. I cashed in my last IRA last week. It negated my indebtedness to my current crop of creditors. By the end of the month I will begin falling behind again. I can no longer afford the copays on my monthly medicines.

I really don't look forward to working at McDonald's or as a janitor. I don't look forward to the temp work and the agencies with whom I am going to have to cope.

I loathe the weather in Missouri and every aspect of every climate here. I detest Missouri politics and politicians. I detest the religious bigotry that is a part of daily life. I hate the smarmy, self-satisfied, racism that is such pervasive subtext to life here.

I feel as though I can see my future clearly. I'm analytical by nature and have a modicum of foresight. I don't want to go this way. I don't want to live the way I will have to live. I know I can do what needs to be done but I just plain don't want to do it.

I have just disguised my whining. I am going to stop now.


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