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nanowrimo 2010


Diary of a Blind Madman

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Revision or revisitation?
nanowrimo 2010
Updates today: louderpoetry

I thought to delete the preceding entry but have decided instead to simply supersede it.

I've had a bad day today. I don't know precisely why but everything I've read has left me in a bad mood. I slept badly last night. I went back to sleep before 9:00 and slept until nearly 15:00. That will doubtless keep me up all night tonight. I did not dream. That's a little unusual for me as a daytime nap almost ensures an odd dream.

Weekends used to be a haven for me in many ways, a break from the routine of work. They have lost their significance of late save that they are two days of the week when I needn't phone anyone and can rely on freedom from phone calls from my insurance company, employer, or any doctors.

My moods have been blacker of late. I feel like circumstances are oppressing me once again. I always survive but have lately been to question the "hows" and "whys" of my continuing. That does not mean I am contemplating suicide, but it does mean that I wonder why I should work hard for a future that seems certain to be fairly bleak.

That all sounds worse than it is. It is fairly obvious that I am not going to be on disability save after a long and bitter fight. I can probably survive without it. I am fairly certain that I can get by on food stamps and the dole. I may be able to get on Medicaid or Medicare so that my medicines can continue. Maybe I can work, busing tables at McD's or working as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Anyone who knows me know the absurdity of that but I suspect it may be my ultimate fate. That's the how.

As to the why — I have to wonder why I've worked all these years paying into my pension, my disability insurance, social security, whatever. Now that I need these things they are manifestly unavailable. I've played by the rules all these years — those who know me will smile at that but I think they will acknowledge the truth of it — but now I find that the reward for doing so is nil. I'm finding that the things I've lived by aren't true. I have to wonder how my children will fare. All these years I've apparently been lying to them when I tell them "This is the way it is."

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I don't know what to think about the world anymore sometimes

You're not the first I've seen in this position. At 29, I dealt with a horribly scary illness, which I've never fully recovered from, which resulted from negligent working conditions of an ex employer. I can't tell you what I had to deal with just to stay alive. For the loss of my health, I received 800 dollars. I was unable to sue him personally in that state due to the state laws. And my first lawyer was paid off not to help me...not like I can prove it, of course.

I was the lucky one. Another woman who I'm sure was poisoned shot herself in the head. I only ended up having a nervous breakdown. Only. Isn't that funny (screwed up funny).

The kicker is that the laws protect him. They did not protect me. And I played by "all the rules" too. I was loyal. I loved my work. Now I am scared for the rest of my life of debilitating illness. It was so hard to get through pretty much alone. I can't even express how hard it was.

It's hard to adequately express suffering.

I watched an ex of mine, who had diabetes and who was self employed go through some of the same stuff you are. At the end, he was diagnosed with MS. He scrabbled for the minimum upkeep...and it hurt him. Trying to deal with "the system" really just sapped his will...and didn't get him anywhere. He wanted to be a productive, strong person, but he just wasn't able to do that with his illnesses. He never got enough to live on.

Turns out he found a woman who had alot more money than I have to live with. It's better that way. I'm glad.

His struggles with disability remind me of yours. I don't understand why your seizures aren't taken more seriously. It's just wrong.

I wish I could make it better for all of us, but I can't. All I can do is say that I understand how disheartening it can be. I know I have alot to be grateful for that I have a mind and body which is sound enough for me to do 40 hour weeks.

Thanks for your supportive words. I always survive, even when I don't want to. I will continue.

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