nanowrimo 2010

Louderblog

Diary of a Blind Madman

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whining and moaning
nanowrimo 2010
louderback

Today is a difficult day. I did not manage any sleep until four this morning. I then slept until after 10 o'clock. Now I find myself sleepy and exhausted. <sigh>I don't understand how resting makes me sleepy. </sigh>


I spoke to Randy this morning in response to an e-mail. We're planning lunch tomorrow at Hunan. Hunan is my favorite Chinese restaurant in Jefferson City. I actually eat more at others, specifically the Hong Kong Buffet, and the Happy Garden. Hong Kong is a big attraction for groups and when I get involved in such things that is often the place chosen. I eat Happy Garden's Delivery because it is the place closest to me. The Great Wall has better delivery but has a tendency to take a while to deliver.


Restaurants aside, I don't get out much lately. My activities are circumscribed by my finances and my health. I've had a cold/depression&@47;attitude problem for a couple of weeks. I have had alternating cough and sinus problems which make me feel depressed which give me a "what the Hell" attitude. Assuming I could spend two or three days working up my nerve to go somewhere and do something I have absolutely no free cash right now. Things aren't really bad financially, but I am at the point of cutting back to the bare bones of everything. I just have to decide what bare bones means.


I know - to someone in really dire straits - my musings about cable vs. DSL internet connections seems self-indulgent, querulous, or inane, but I've been spoiled a long time. A dial-up connection is beyond many people and I'm considering abject poverty. I guess I need to get over it.


My sis applied for food stamps this week. She'll be helping out in that fashion until she finds work. She says I have to visit the place with her because I can get some sort of assistance. It would be welcome at this point. I've surrendered all my savings. I'm on half pay, but full bills, if you know what I mean.

I think my bills are pretty reasonable for a place this size. I'm running about $1500 monthly for a large four-bedroom, three-bath home with four inhabitants (and two dogs). T'ain't bad save that my income is about $300 less than that each month. I've been managing for some time what with getting old debts repaid (my friends have been singularly good about this) and various loans and assistance from many sources. Now I have pretty much exhausted those sources and all I can do is cut back to minimize the rate at which my indebtedness mounts.


I understand that my disability determination is before a judge at the moment. If he decides in my favor I may be getting a steady (and predictable amount) paycheck within a couple of months with enough back pay to get me free of debt.. Failing that, my short term disability runs out in April and I may find myself with zero income. I suppose there are infinite appeals for disability. It seems like if you are determined you eventually succeed. It is too bad that it has to work that way.

I'm falling out of touch with people. Becky drops me an E-mail from New Smyrna Beach on occasion. I have lunch with Randy. I hear from friends that have LiveJournals. That means Luis and Christine, mostly. Mighty Ed and I talk often. I may try to talk to Ed and others more frequently now that I have signed up for flat rate long distance.


I do keep in fairly close touch with the people on Walkers via the chat room but I wonder about the benefits of hanging about incessantly with lots of depressed, bipolar, and variously mentally or emotionally upset people. My shrinkologist is one of the few constants in my life, but I debate the value of the sessions. I don't know where things are going. I enjoy our sessions at the time... just to break up my week and so forth, but I hardly ever walk out the door in a good mood. <sigh>Go figger.</sigh>


This has become incessantly whiny. More tomorrow if I'm still online.



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Sometimes whining is necessary and good. I often give myself permission to whine in my journal if I need to.

I know if I was, for the most part, housebound by health, cable and an internet connection would be necessary for my mental health. Seriously.

the support. I'm coping with things, but I've got to obsess about something, I suppose.

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