March 2nd, 2004

nanowrimo 2010

Surprise?

The Magician
You are the Magician card. Magick is the use of the
will to effect change in reality. The will is
the ability to direct knowledge and experience
towards an end goal. The Magician is capable of
manipulating his environment because he knows
it so well. He effects the thoughts and
emotions of those around him. Therefore, the
Magician is often thought of as an artist,
writing or speaking in a way that strongly
influences others. The Magician understands how
to bring concepts into form and how to express
metaphysical concepts in a physical way. He is
seen with the symbols of each suit: a disk, a
cup, a sword and a wand. These symbols are each
a physical expression of a concept. They are
The Magician's tools. Following after The Fool,
The Magician acts as a messenger. His planet is
Mercury, who is Messenger of the Gods. He
brings The Fool into the new world that The
Fool seeks. The Magician represents the act of
creation. Because he can use his knowledge to
form something new, he seems to be able to make
a thing appear out of a void. Image from: L. S.
Irish.
http://www.muttart.com/originals/magician.htm

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nanowrimo 2010

Dreary

Today's updates and x-posts: None </div>

Writer's block has struck again. It is not truly writer's block it is just plain disinterest. I am utterly bummed out these days. I guess it is just the depression. I can't seem to get anything started or to stay with it on the rare occasions that I do begin. I am struck with an intense feeling of futility.

I am quite philosophical these days. I am analytical by nature and can see my future. My income will drop still lower. I'll have to do the job search thing. Nothing much is available in Jefferson City. I'll get by for months, hanging onto the house while the bills mount. I'll eventually sell the house to Mario and Kim or to my cousin Eric on a "take over payments" basis. I'll basically lose all my investment. I'll get by in Jefferson CIty, sharing a cheap apartment with my sister. That can only go on so long. At that point I'll move south, probably impose on my kids or on friends until I wind up in a cheap sleeping room. I can't see much of a job in my future. I hate the thought of wiping tables at McDonalds or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. Given the likelihood that I am right — a high one I think — I wonder what would be the point. I'll acknowledge that things may not be as bleak as I paint them. Something good may happen that extends my time in the house. I may find a job better than than I think possible. Given the best scenario, however, I fail to see anything I would call a future.

Don't read much into this, but I really would be better off had my suicide attempt succeeded. Honestly. Nothing that has happened since then is of any value to me. I survived to be with my mother when she died. It certainly is nothing I treasure. She did not know I was there. I have stayed around to see my carreer fail, my faculties diminish, my life begin a spiral into poverty and marginality. My kids are grown. My friends, for the most part, have moved on. My family has dissolved into nothing. Where is the value in going on?

I'm a survivor. I always have been. Nobody that knows me will dispute that I'm clever enough to get by. I've adapted well to my blindness and my seizures. Too well, maybe. If I hear one more person tell me "You're dealing with it really well" I will be moved to violence. I will get around despite my vision. I'll not die from a fall because I can arrange my living situation to keep me from falling onto my salad fork and piercing a vital organ. I will live somewhere, even if it is a storm drain. I will eat, even if it is not desirable. I will manage somehow.

I don't think I'm going to like it.