October 1st, 2003

Man of Bronze

Catching up again

Catching up


My lips are chapped. My eyes are tired. It is noon and I've been asleep since nine last night. I have a cold. This cold is an absolute Hell. It came on me in the course of hours. I've ben lucky of late in avoiding colds like this.

This lapse of nearly a month is the longest in my entries since I began this journal. I don't know if I am done with LJ or if I have just had no news to report. It seems that every time I write here it is to record a resolution to write more. Once again I am going to resolve to write each day. I have converted an old writing experiment called liturae to my personal journal. I will be putting some poetry and prose there. My purpose is providing myself a venue as an incentive to produce any writing at all.

Lots of things have happened in the last month, but none of them are really interesting. 1) My disability claim is denied and I am not going to go to some sort of hearing to try and appeal the decision. 2) My work sent me a "voluntary separation" package. It makes me very nervous to receive buy out offers of this sort. They often precede an "involuntary separation". Both phrases mean "fired" but it is not permissible to say that any more. The voluntary separation looks like it would give me about 30 weeks of pay if I agree to go away and leave Verizon alone. Given my medical expenses and the state of my health, that would really allow me to continue only about five or six months. 3) I've acquired a prospective roomie. Mario, a friend of my sister and of me is moving in around the end of the month. I need someone around the house, it is no longer safe for me to live alone. 4) I enrolled my dog in obedience school. It is cheap enough. I hope it works well. 5) Some friends installed an electronic fence for my dog. I hope it works well. 6) The list goes on but I am bored with listing this stuff.

Day to day my life is the same. I am still having seizures on a daily basis. It is not getting worse but it is not getting better.

My sister has visited me several times. She is cleaning out the basement where Mario will live. I enjoy her visits but it always costs me money as she is unemployed. The visits are also slightly traumatic to my sinuses. She smokes and quite heavily. It usually takes a toll on my groceries as well. I tend to eat more when others are around and to order delivery more often as well - expensive.

I am beginning to genuinely regret my adopting this dog. I love her dearly, but she is too active for me. I can't walk her as often as I should and I have not the patience to take care of her as she deserves. I hope this obedience class will train her not to damage things. Once she is more "obedient" I may be able to arrange some trips for her to a local park where she can run freely.

I am quite unhappy with my current situation. Big news that? Hardly. I don't know just what to do about it however. I am doing a lot of things I don't enjoy. I visit with friends, have lunch with relatives, call friends, receive calls from my kids. None of it is because I want to or for any other reason than that it just happens. I feel like I am not participating in my own life. I am just making the motions to keep my doctors happy.

I'm having some mental problems of some sort. I remember distinctly a McDonalds where there never has been one. I went to the bank and changed my bank account and checks over an incident that I am told never happened. It appears I have become "reality impaired." I'm not sure what to do about it.

The Poem

Through a Dragon's eyes

Through a dragon's eyes I see the world.
Enthroned behind my mind, in power seated high
my lofty view of the cold, dire, world is hard.
I'd freeze the world in ice or turn it brittle
to burned sticks, hard, fragile, ruined and black.
I see me move through the mush and morass.
I watch me who is not me do things I hate.
I laugh at not me compensating for the stupidity.
I laugh at not me treating them well.
In my power I would wreck them all.
Not me endures them all.
I think of what should be of the things I am denied.
Not me dances to a weary tune, circling and denied.
In that alone we are alike. We see not what is just and right.
  • Current Mood
    apathetic apathetic