May 1st, 2003

nanowrimo 2010

The situation reeks

Yesterday was absolutely miserable. Nothing but bad news and difficulties for which I find myself unprepared. My boss called from work. It appears that I wasn't back at work long enough to qualify to be off work because while I was back at work, I was off work a lot.

The upshot of that is that I may no longer qualify for the family medical leave I have been taking. My boss suggests I come back to work Monday the 5th. It just seems like a bad idea.

My boss tells me that I have medical approval to be off work but not administrative approval. I don't understand that. Last time (June of 2001) I was out I didn't have to get multiple approvals. I don't remember ever hearing of an administrative approval. I also learned that my current leave is over on 2 May. The last one was for around six months, this one was for less than one. I don't get that at all. When I called about extending the leave they said I had to re-apply and fill out all the forms again. My doctor has to do that. I don't think there is any way he will fill this stuff out every three weeks. He didn't have to do it before. I get the strong feeling that the bureaucracy is being marshalled to make this very hard on me.

I am afraid to go back to work. If I do (for that matter, if I don't) I am afraid that I will eventually injure myself or someone else. At home I feel relatively safe. The worst I've had is a bump on the head and a scratch here and there. At work the environment is such that it is much more likely that I'll fall on something or someone and get injured.

I called my lawyer to see if I should go back to work. He says yes. Basically I have to do whatever work wants. If I go back it is just a matter of time until they can find an excuse to fire me. My absences from work will virtually guarantee it. Between the depression and all the doctor appointments that it is going to take to find out why I'm falling it is virtually a certainty that I'll miss too much work to meet the requirements.

The degree to which this sucks is astounding to me. I feel like I'm falling to pieces. My working life is in shambles. What reputation I had is shattered. My ability to work is shredding away. First my vision makes everything I do borderline. Depression makes it hard and borderline. Now I life in constant fear of falling in front of a bus while I do marginal work that my depression makes me hate. I really do understand those guys that take a rifle up on the roof and snipe until the SWAT team solves their problems.

I called the suicide hotline for the first time. It was not that I felt suicidal, but I just had to talk to someone. I tried my chat room, but the "support" there is so insipid sometimes that I just don't think it is much support. The hotline was worthless. I still feel miserable.

I guess I go back to work Monday and hope for a non-lethal injury.

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