September 19th, 2002

sad, smiley

I'm baaaaaack

Well, that didn't last long.

I wasn't writing anything else, and I finally have some news, so I suppose this journal must be revived. I will resign my commitment to enter something every day, however. I am spending too much time entering serially the unimportant minutae I encounter.

The news: Well, it appears I'm going back to work Monday the 23rd at some approximation of my old job. I spoke with my boss' boss' boss and he, me, and my supervisor will review a list of the duties I perform as an analyst and see how many of those I can do. This is excellent news, as there is no one task in that job that I can't do. The bad news, is that my level of performance will be different on some of them. For most things there is no significant change. Problem resolution, will be slower, though. My analyst job requires reading a lot of code and I am not going to be able to do that quickly. Things that used to take an hour might take a day. I am also having retention problems. I just don't remember things read to me as well as I need to. I guess it will be a matter of whether or not my speed will be acceptable within the environment. I wish I could focus on producing or modifying code instead of reading it. I can type reasonably, better than 30 words a minute. That is a crawl compared to what it used to be, but it is acceptable. I can code reasonably as well. I was very able to create scripts for the JAWS screen reader. Anything with less than thousands of lines is manageable by me, especially if I've written it. I hope there will be a way to refocus without completely changing my life.

On that note, I've got to remember that people read this who are near to me. I am aware of my readership, there's actually a fair number of you out there. I tend to forget that people I know, and who know me well, read this.

I tend to be hurting feelings. My boss to the third degree read my bitching and moaning about possible job changes. I can't be sure but I think I actually hurt his feelings ranting as I did. I almost certainly made him at least a little angry. I rant here. This is the place where I vent. I've never understood venting and I'm not good at it. I complain a lot, according to nearly everyone I know. I never have thought so. I seldom-to-never complain about things I can do anything about (well, I think so, you're entitled to your opinion), and try to reserve my moaning for those things about which I can do nothing. My theory being that maybe the people being bitched at might know how to solve the problem.

I knew the Alphapointe crew read my journal. I didn't know they all did, I figured Clay or Chip looked at it and kind of reported to the rest. Evidently I have failed to learn the lesson I once imparted to one of the NRDs . . . that at lunch what would instructors talk about except students?

I've reviewed, in a cursory fashion, my entries about Alphapointe Center. I did so because of something that happened between Jim an me yesterday. I have been unpleasantly frank, bordering on insulting, in my entries about my activities at the center, and have characterized people based on first impressions which I have since revised but not published. I need to think about this diarly a little differently. I am rather open here on the theory that the occasional comment by readers will shed some light on what I am feeling, the manner in which I am thinking, and so forth. Perhaps this is not the proper forum or mechanism for such. I must re-think.

Jim, I assume you're reading this. You have my respect, personally and professionally. I enjoy your company, not something I say casually or of many men. I doubt that my diary entries to date have exactly crushed your spirit, but if there is any element of unkindness expressed in this diary, just lay it off to me being an arrogant bastard. That is a fact long known and well documented. On the other hand, you are sometimes twitchy. *grin*

*sigh*

I'm eager for my time at Alphapointe Center to be done. In practical terms it has been a big win, more than a bit of a roller-coaster, and a bit of a disaster as well. I have done things in the last 11 weeks that I could never have accomplished in that amount of time anywhere else. My braille studies have gone well, I have been able to practice computer skills with Jim that I wouldn't have thought of, and to do any number of things in an "intense" manner that would have taken much longer in any other venue.

More later... bus is here
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nanowrimo 2010

Take 2?

Thanks for the responses to the last writing.

I wrote:

I tend to be hurting feelings. My boss to the third degree read my bitching and moaning about possible job changes. I can't be sure but I think I actually hurt his feelings ranting as I did. I almost certainly made him at least a little angry.
OK, I think I blew it writing the above. Nothing above is factual, just my conjecture about vague impressions over the phone. This is the sort of thing I have to stop putting in here.

nuniabiz wrote:

I recommend you post your more sensitive material under the "protected" or "private" option. Those of us on your pal's list will be the only ones who see, so if you're worried that one of us will take your venting the wrong way, then un-friend that person
That is definitely the ticket for the future. I need to be, not circumspect, but more selective. I enjoy being open in this journal. I waffled a long time when I first created it as to weather I'd tell all, whedther I'd even edit it, or even make it a work of fiction.

A friend adjured me not to "write to my audience," good advice if I've ever heard it. Such a habit would lose me all my readership. I don't want to do that. I like being open in this journal. I like having people comment. If I lost that I'd be pretty upset. There's been a rash of people bailing lately. I lament the recent loss of sirlance. *sigh* He and I exchanged few words but I definitely felt echoes of my own mind in his writings. I hope he comes back one day.