November 29th, 2001

nanowrimo 2010

Sleepless

I can not sleep.

I can't tell you why. Maybe I'm just not tired.

I won't be going in to work tomorrow. They haven't put in the adaptive software stuff as yet. They will let me know when it is available.

Not going to work tomorrow works out OK as I have several appointments to keep. All of these are by telephone. One is with social security, another with HR at work.

It sounds like I'm not likely to get disability. That suites me but something the boss at RSB (Mr. Deejay) said has me thinking. He asked me if I could find something else to do if I did get disability … volunteer work, that sort of thing. My response to him sounded contradictory and pretty lame but I've been thinking about it for a bit.

I think I could exist on disability. I don't know that I would have a really good time but it wouldn't be Hell. The main thing is that I have never required a lot of external validation of my self-image. Those who know me will be snickering about now. I think it is a true statement, though. In an earlier post I called my self essentially "self-defined" and said that in Miami I was "Dad," or for years I was "the movie guy" to myself and a lot of people. There's a lot of "external" in those images, but they are largely chosen and refined by me. Being "Bob on disability" is not an acceptable situation and it is being pushed on me by circumstances and things largely out of my control … things even immune or unsuasible to my attempts at influence.

Still, I think that I can do this if I must. "Bob on disability" can be refined. I don't think that I would do volunteer work … it is just not my style. I might well do some business, within the constraints of my disability, like teaching. I might even dedicate myself to writing profitably … as an occasional technical writing contract. I might even churn out that "great American novel" for which history seems to be waiting.

Conversely, I would rather be working. Constraints, primarily financial, of living on disability would mean I would not have much freedom and it would likely pin me to Jefferson City like a butterfly on the board. Working, I would at least have the option of seeking another location someday. I am here for my family. I would be elsewhere in a heartbeat otherwise.

Now I'm sleepy. Maybe it'll work this time.
  • Current Music
    Vienna Boy's Choir - Adeste Fidelis
nanowrimo 2010

In today's e-mail:

INNER STRENGTH

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<div> <h2>INNER STRENGTH</h2> <p><ul> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can start the day without caffeine or pills,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can resist complaining and telling people your troubles,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can face the world without lies and deceit,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can conquer tension without medical help,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can relax without liquor,</li> <li style="font-size:medium;";>If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,</li> </ul> </p> you are probably the family dog. </div>
  • Current Music
    Vienna Boy's Choir - Ach Du Lieber Augustin
nanowrimo 2010

The theme park of my life: the lines at the roller-coaster are too long!

A roller—coaster of a day.

And what a boring roller—coaster it was. The high—point of the day consisted of an hour alone while my sister took my mother to the doctor. The low was that I used that hour to start the movie Spy Kids. I enjoyed the movie, but I think there were a lot of visuals I didn't get.

I was told of an interesting web site. Movie reviews by a blind reviewer. I thought it novel, and I suppose it is. It turns out that the reviewer and almost never agree about a movie. My A's are his B's and my wastes of time are hits for him. *sigh* It would have been nice to find a compatriot. It seems that now that I have a community to call my own in the blind I must be an outcast there as I was before I found a community. I'm tired of being the weird one in the group.

No plans for tomorrow. Nothing doing for the weekend.

I haven't written anything on any story for over three weeks.
  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated