November 9th, 2001

nanowrimo 2010

Inconsequential

I slept well. I suppose the pillows are going to leave me alone for a while.

Danger! Whining follows!

I dreamed of walking through an underground tunnel. Different mostly than my other underground dreams because it seemed to be neither dungeon nor cave, this dream went nowhere. Well, it went nearly to the end of the tunnel.

I don't know what to do at this point. My efforts to improve my brother's situation are bearing no fruit. He is utterly resistant to any sort of help. He still refuses to talk to anyone but my mother and the topic of improving his life is one he won't discuss even with her.

On the subject of my mother, her morning at the emergency room has not reformed her. I had to argue with her (that does not happen) to get her to consent to the attendance of a cardiologist. This is a woman who has had a double bypass, has angina at least once a month and feels chronically listless and exhausted. She feels there's no reason to have a "heart doctor" in attendance. *sigh*

My own health is causing me troubles. In addition to my aversion to having Junior and his parent site irradiated (my brain has been promoted to my very favorite organ and I don't want to fiddle with it) I am having sleeping problems, breathing problems, and a host of minor complaints. I am going to have to ask Dr. Rocks about some medication of some sort. Things are looking bleak.

I hate feeling powerless and that is precisely how I feel. I can be content as long as I feel I am having an influence in how things are going but I don't feel like that is happening. Too many things are wrong in my life right now that I seem unable to correct or even improve. I am feeling for the first time the powerlessness of being unable to drive. I am feeling for the first time the helplessness of my own physical weakness. I've never been weak before save while recuperating from an illness. Now I feel that sort of weakness all the time. My continuing weight fluctuations are a problem as well. My close hang off me most of the time and you know how uncomfortable that can be. Just one more irritation.

I am also feeling an incredible intellectual weakness as well. I am truly unable to grasp any large quantity of information from the tapes to which I am listening these days. The lack of input has left me feeling starved on several fronts. I don't "read" much, don't follow the news, don't have any favorite TV shows. I don't play chess, hang around the mall, sit in the local bar and get drunk. I don't even wander the streets aimlessly mumbling to myself. Any of those would some sort of improvement I think.

I have isolated myself badly. Other than immediate family I talk to nobody. That is the way I want it most of the time. I feel like I would be ashamed to meet with anyone who knew me from even a year ago. I remember my friend Bob visiting from Florida and how depressed I was that I was unable to follow his conversation. I can't keep up anymore. I feel like the wreck of myself lying beside the tracks and hearing the other trains go by lamenting my unfortunate situation. I have a hideous fear that they start laughing once they get out of my hearing.

I never was much of a much, but this fall from the relatively dizzying heights of a year ago makes me feel pretty worthless. My few contacts with others tend to reinforce my impressions. I hear a word here, a word there that makes me think people are shaking their heads sadly. It wasn't that long ago that people listened to me, that my entrance into a room or a group was noticed. I don't think I could get noticed with a hand grenade.

I don't want this to be this way. I'm not ready to be inconsequential. Not now, not this quickly, this way.
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nanowrimo 2010

bah

Things are shaping up toward a bad night. I am usually asleep by now.

I am utterly stressed out. I can't say, precisely, earlier entries will shed light on my attitude and the events of the day, but I cannot actually point to one thing and say "This is what is making me unable to sleep." I wish I could.

I have been thinking on things that I am better off ignoring. I think my problem right now is my sense of so many things impending. I feel as though I am standing in front of the Boston Marathon unable to get out of the way.

What if I'm not able to do my job anymore? Find a new job. Sounds easy to say. I'm too old. I'm disabled. I'm a hideous health risk — fringing on uninsurable. Can I find another job. Yes. Am I capable of making the effort required? Maybe. Will I get a job that is worth that effort. Almost certainly not. I think in order to get another job I'll have to change professions.

[ I have this recurring fantasy that I should become a fortune teller. If Miss Cleo can do it why not Mr. Karl? If I dress in black, display my dramatic scar and affect an eye-patch my appearance can be quite dramatic. Maybe a cape? I can read Tarot cards and palms. Why not? ]
I can't imagine what else I could do for a living. I can still write, but the job doesn't pay unless you're one of the twenty or so authors that actually make a living in the art.

Ahhhh… I'm just depressing myself. Good night.