Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

  • Mood:

Want some cheese with that whine?

I really don't know where to begin. I feel like my life is disintegrating.

My Brother.

Looks like 30 years. That's a life sentence for him. He won't be eligible for parole until he is over 60. Given his mental and emotional condition (disabled by them) I expect he will kill or be killed. We've never been close but he is my brother. There is nothing I can do.

My Sister.

Her significant other is just out of ICU. Trashed badly by a drunk driver, he will probably only make a partial recovery. Whatever happens his life will change dramatically. For reasons to which I am not privy, his family is keeping my sister away from him - to the point of locking her out of his house, the house she has lived in for a year. She is crushed, angry, and on the point of a breakdown (last time I saw her). I have not heard from her for a couple of days. There is no phone at which I can reach her. I am distressed by the fact that she brought me her dog to take care of. They are inseparable. I hope she does not contemplate harming herself.

My Other Relations.

I see my cousins, my aunts, my son and daughter at irregular intervals. I have never been close to my cousins. I love my aunt dearly, but it is a little painful for me to see her, as she is such a reminder of my mother. I don't like family gatherings very much. I have never been able to socialize in anyone else's home. I don't mind having visitors, but I don't like to visit others. Any of them are willing to take me to the grocery or on shopping trips when I ask, but it is hard for me to ask. I hate to be always dependent on others. I don't mind asking for favors, but they are favors I cannot repay and quickly become charity or pity in my mind. I have other means of getting around, the handi-wheels bus and the taxis, but the bus requires me to plan everything a day in advance. Cabs are very expensive here. A trip to the grocery is basically twelve or fifteen dollars for a three mile trip. Any other errand is $20 to start and sometimes runs more. It is difficult for me to arrange my life based on things I can't do or money I don't have. It is depressing to do so.

My Shrinkologist.

I don't know where whatever it is we are doing is going. I don't feel like I am solving problems, but I am not willing to let the process end. I don't feel better after seeing George and the discussions seldom amount to anything.

My Finances.

I don't know why, but I have been procrastinating in a very self-damaging way. My bills are late, I have been slow to contact my insurance, I have been very lax in performing normal tasks, changing my phone number, arranging my household bills, etc. My insurance company is making my life difficult. Instead of approving 12 sessions at the shrinkologist each time they now approve only 3. This quadruples the amount of work he needs to do. I think he would like to change sessions from 1 per week to 2 per month so he wouldn't have to fill out paperwork every 3 months. That would halve my therapy, as I see it. The insurance company is also making my doctor fill out forms every 30 days for my short term disability. I think this is simply malicious. I was out for 6 months in 2001 and the doctor only filled it out once. I only called them about once in that whole time. Lately I have had to call them just about every week. They also never seem to actually fax anything on time. I have to call my Doctor multiple times to insure that they receive promised faxes and field multiple calls from the insurance company because they say they need "more information" no matter what he puts down. I think it is a harassment tactic, but maybe it is just their blockhead policies.

My Life.

My finances are in the toilet, my home is a disaster, my family is disintegrating. I fall down at least once a day, every day. I can't control it, I am developing numerous bumps on my head, and am covered with scratches and minor cuts from hitting the trim on my walls, the thermostat, the stove, my kitchen counter. There is no diagnosis for my falling. The neurologist says that it can't be established that my problem is or is not neurological. My cardiologist says the same thing. It may or may not be my heart. I am out of local doctors. I am out of local specialists to consult. I don't know what to explore next. I don't know how to help myself.
I feel like I have come to the end of my own ingenuity. I feel like I have given up a lot.

My vision keeps me from reading and I have found no replacement. I can listen to web pages and to books on tape, but they don't fill the place occupied by my reading.

I have difficulty traveling. I won't re-iterate all of that.

I can't seem to get my life organized. I procrastinate unreasonably. Even making a phone call is an effort. Obviously this is a depression issue, but I am not getting better. I don't know how to fix this.

I feel bad. Always. I have a headache everyday, all day. I have had since my skull surgery. Nobody seems to regard this as important but I am getting to the point where I am going to start banging my head on the wall because it would feel better than the headache. I've had a headache all day and every day for over a year. I can't stand it much longer.

My diabetes is making me crazy. I eat properly and take my meds, but I always feel bad. My sugar sometimes jumps very high no matter how careful I am. I am seldom low, I do tend to over-eat, but I am usually pretty in-control. I have to wonder to what purpose. If being in control makes me feel bad all the time what is the point?

The arthritis in my right knee and right shoulder is getting worse. My shoulder hurts all the time. It keeps me from sleeping well. I can't sleep on my right side because of it, or at least not for long. I have the same problem sleeping on my left side, as my lump hurts when pillow-pressure pushes on it. I'm just generally fucked where sleep is concerned.

I am whining way to much. This could go on for many pages. I am just going to stop now.

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