Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

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A wall

There is a vast wall before me. I don't know how to traverse, surmount, or circumvent it.

I have never been good at coming to terms with that which is outside my control. I don't graciously accept defeats. I find myself confronted with the single greatest defeat I've ever experienced and confronted with things utterly beyond my control.

How do I do this? What steps do I take?

I am blind. That is not going to change. How do I live like this? People who should know tell me I solve my problems like a sighted person. When I ask them what that means it gets really vague. All their advice boils down to "get used to it" or "accept the way things are" or even explicitly "lower your expectations".

I can't live with the idea that this is as good as it gets. I can't deal with the idea that I have to accept my life as it is and anticipate its deterioration. My life is not good. I have been utterly ineffectual in improving it.

I discovered a wasp in my home today. Consider the futility of my attempting to swat, capture, or eradicate it in any way. Shall I accept the wasp? Shall I lower my expectations and let it sting me? Perhaps I should just get used to it and permit it to live with me?

Of late, my life is filled with such things. I am unable to work at my old profession. My vision is not going to improve and I am not going to be able to function at my previous level. My depression, under treatment for a year or more is not getting better. It is not going to go away.

To top it all off, I fall. I faint or walk into a wall or simply topple over. It's not TIA's, small strokes, it is not anything anyone has identified. Perhaps I'll get used to it. Perhaps I can lower my expectations of being able to walk without falling down.

I don't want to embark on another series of doctor visits, tests, hospital stays.

I don't know what to do.

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