Karl (louderback) wrote,

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I'm having a hard time of it today. I still have the worst flu I've ever had. The drugs are giving me minimal relief, but I still want to scream every time I swallow.

The illness is having a bad effect on me. I called the suicide hotline for the first time ever last night. I wasn't feeling suicidal, but I was at a devastating low point. The physical illness feeding my mental illness — I had to talk to someone. They listened to me moan a while then got rid of me politely. Best thing really, I didn't want to tie up a line someone needed more than me. Still it was very disheartening in several ways. I've never needed that sort of "pity party" before, though anyone who knows me well knows I'll fish for compliments, sympathy, whatever shamelessly. More depressing to me is the fact that I had nobody I was willing to call. I thought of calling Dr. Blender (my psychologist) or one of the boys. I even thought of waking up one of my friends at 1:00 in the morning. I know I could have called any of those in the list but it just didn't seem the thing to do at the time. I wonder if that's me or the depression fucking me over?


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