Karl (louderback) wrote,

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My life if filled with hidden joys & beauties - so superbly hidden as to make them fucking invisibe

I am perfectly tired.

I have been unable to write for a while. I think it may have as much to do with lack of matériel as anything. My life has been empty of the noteworthy.

Work continues without any break. I was out two days with flu. The "breathing down my neck" attitude continues.

Why such hostility at work? I am doing my damnedest to be useful. Is the only thing that I can do for them is to read COBOL code for eight hours a day? There are other people who don't. I have a new assignment. Of course it involves reading code. I have to do compares and filter thousands of lines of results then read dozens of lines from dozens of programs to confirm what gets updated where. It wouldn't be so bad if it was really like that. The fact that I have to hold all this information in my head while swapping back and forth between screens means that I have to concentrate to an upsetting degree. Once that is done I've another project quite similar and then I start my new assignment - I am to compare libraries and reconcile differences in code. Of course it is all reading COBOL and the intricate and visually complex compares. There will be some work on other things too, though. Maybe the reconciling is some sort of penance I'm to do for working in Word at other times. I get the feeling that my work just doesn't have any idea what to do with despite my telling them repeatedly the kind of things I can do. I don't get it. I think I have somehow offended the gods of the "abled" by not being able to read well.

At work I have joined the board of the employee association. This group raises money throughout the year to throw turkey day and xmas parties. I am good at generating ideas, so this year's group should be successful if they like my ideas. Some of them, at least, are good. All of them seem to be fairly off the track of previous employee association teams.

Somehow it is the visually impaired buy that is doing all the memos and flyers. It's what I get for being good at Word.

Here's that old list again. Installment 3.

3. My Health isn't improving

3.1. I don't sleep well

3.2. My feet twitch and wake me up at night

3.3. My legs cramp and wake me up at night.

3.4. I have had a headache since august

3.5. I am always tired

3.6. E.D.

3.6.1. It's been over a year

3.6.2. The urologist says "well, we all get older"

My health really isn't improving at all. I'm seeing a new doctor tomorrow. My old doctor moved out of town. Can't anything in my life be simple?

I've got to start telling people the truth about my health. I've been covering up a long time. I can't bring myself to take my diabetes medicine. It gives me the shits and makes me feel tired and rotten when it doesn't. What real incentive have I to take medicine that makes me feel bad. I really can't afford the stuff right now anyway. The anti-depressants and diabetes crap runs me about $200 a month. That's paying $12 or $15 per prescription (most of 'em). I am scheduled to take 15 different pills a day. With a chemical stew like that in me I can't imagine how it could possibly feel well. My sugars are averaging 300 except when I starve down to the 160's. When I do that I get so damned hungry I binge. At least I feel good then.

I'm getting worse. I can feel things fading out. My feet are almost completely numb now. My eyes blur and clear up erratically. I still wake up with leg cramps. Usually if I just stand up they stop for long enough to get back to sleep, but what is this shit of getting up out of bed at night and tip-toeing around to stop my cramps.

When I get moved to the new place (16th) I'll have a better bed. Maybe I'll sleep better there. Wouldn't be hard.

I've had the same fucking headache for over a year. There are days when I genuinely wish I could just put a bullet in my head to stop the headache. The doctors around here are just clueless.

I still don' wanna talk about E.D.

I never feel good and I really want to have a genuine rest sometime soon. I am being abused by the universe these days and I'm in one of those "Gosh! It really sucks to be me" periods. I guess we all have 'em but this on has lasted since June of '01. I need a break.


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