Karl (louderback) wrote,

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OK, I'm in a vile mood What's it to ya?

The cornflakegirl23 wrote in her journal something to the effect that she is tired of how hard it is to have the semblance of a normal life.

I understand that utterly. I now spend all my time in high performance mode, constantly dealing with trivia like how many steps from one place to another, how to reach for something without appearing to grope for it, when to use the white cane, and when to put it aside, walking without shuffling despite the fear that I'm going to trip and fall, in the full knowledge that no matter how carefully I walk I am eventually going to kick something. I spend my time memorizing the time accounting screen so it doesn't take half an hour to put in his time, the edit screen so it doesn't take him hours to do a task he used to do in minutes. I know where I put things, and I remember where I put them. I don't mean, where I hung up my coat, I mean where I put the remote this time, what happened to that bag of chips, the spatial relationship between my chair arm and my trash can so I can toss away a kleenex without having to bend down and either see the can or touch it. I used to go to the bathroom without knowing in advance precisely where the toilet paper was, and whether or not the toilet seat was down. Now these are data file away for next use. When someone changes the situation my coping mechanisms kick in. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to find a white role of toilet paper someone has moved? Is it against the white wall on the top of the white toilet tank? Did someone put it on the edge of the (white) bathtub? Would it be easier to get one out of the closet and find the other one in due course? Too many petty decisions clutter things that should be easy.

I used to breeze through my life, sloppy, and at ease. Now I have to think about things that are just plain embarrassing. Do you care, I mean does it really matter to you which pocket you put a five dollar bill into? I do. I have to. It pisses me off.

I realize that things in my life will not be as easy as once they were, but is nothing to be easy? The torment of doing dishes is unspeakable. It's not so bad that I'm not sure that I'm getting them clean out of the sink — I dread the day I hand someone a bowl of cereal with some dried tomato sauce on the rim.

Yeah, I know it's all petty shit. You live your life this way where everything is all petty shit.


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