Karl (louderback) wrote,

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My life this week has an oneiric quality. The Residence Inn and my stay at Alphapointe was a xenodochium of sorts for me. That is now over and mundane reality is pretty oppressive of me. I am suffering a lot from a sense of "escape" these days. Back in the day I was able to "get lost in" a book and get a feeling of renewal from it . . . or was able to go to a movie and be "somewhere else" for a while. I used to be able to "get outside my head" now and again. Now I can't seem to do it voluntarily and I'm getting the feeling that my system is retaliating by pushing my mind out all on its own. <sigh>Oh well, "So long mind! Easy come, easy go.</sigh>

Returning home has been welcome but full of stress. My mother went to the hospital last Sunday with chest pains, breathing problems, and an inability to ingest. She had not eaten for a full day when we took her to the hospital. Three hours later, after X-rays and the like, she signed the paperwork to be admitted and my sister and I (at my mother's insistence) went home. Before we got there Mother was phoning on the cell phone to come back and get her. She had decided that three and one-half hours was too long to wait to get her a room.

<sigh> Whatcha gonna do? </sigh> If we'd not picked her up she'd have signed herself out and called a cab. - that I would have had to pay for. She still hasn't eaten as much as I would eat at a single sitting over the last week. I really don't know what to do with her.

I'm a fodient by nature and would burrow deep and just disappear if I could. I don't think there is anything I can do about that. It is hard on me these days with so many people in the house. Even going to work in the morning is an effort of will.

Work is going better than could have been anticipated. I am back at my old job. I don't know for how long, but does anybody really? I am a little disheartened. Well, I am actually quite disheartened. My job entails a great deal of reading, my worst thing at the moment. The reading is hard. I can zip through text at about 300wpm. But that's text, nothing heavy … and the screen-reader at that speed sounds like Alvin the Chipmunk. It exacerbates my headache. Reading code is less than 100 wpm. It may be a lot less. Code can't be read the same way as text. You need each individual character, though you never pronounce them. You need relationships, as indicated by indentation. In addition to the screen reader, I really need some sort of magnifier. I have a hand held, page-size magnifier … you try to type while holding such a thing up to the screen. Between the screen reader and the magnifier I can do a lot. I don't know how to deal with CICS, though. Those screens have literally a hundred or so fields on the screen. The screen reader can't handle horizontal rows of titles, heavily abbreviated, with irregularly positioned data beneath them. I could work with those screens with a Braille printer but such are loud, expensive, and something that I could use only intermittently. It is so damned hard to figure out how to do this job. I have researched what is available out there in the way of accommodations - software and hardware - but can't identify anything that will let me do this job with facility. There really is not a lot of stuff that is likely to be useful to me. I think Alphapointe is going to recommend the notetaker I want, the Voicenote BT from Pulse Data. It will be helpful. I can schedule with it and treat it as a PDA. The uses abound. It will also help me keep up my Braille skills. Braille will be of considerable help to me. I can take a lot of notes in a variety of ways, but my handwriting - always griffonage - has become still more slovenly and nearly unreadable by anyone but me. I even have a lot of trouble. I can attach brailled notes to docs and at least I will be able to read them.

So many things are happening but none of them seem to be much help. I keep hoping for some sort of Epiphany that will guide my steps, or point me toward a solution for some problems. I thought the screen reader would be it. I thought Alphapointe would be it. Nothing seems to change. I am essentially back where I was twelve weeks ago. That landed me in 4North. I remember that too well. I don't ever want to go back there for any reason -most especially not involuntarily. I've a growing concern I'm headed that way. I need to regain the hwyl of my Tampa days. Some might have characterized me as hubristic or arrogant. Probably it would have been arrogant … I get that a lot. Put simply, it was passion, the impassioned eloquence of feeling that what you do makes a difference - hwyl - that governed my life in those days. I no longer feel I am doing anything of value, that I am doing anything very well, or that there is much chance of that changing.


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