To the reading public:
We sincerely regret the invalid allusion to lateness on the part of Chip reported in this journal in a summary of the week 1 through 5 July. Chip was, in fact, not even present on 5 July and the appointment was with Clay.Karl Louderback
Chief Executroid and Editor-in-chief
Nothing like getting an early start on the day. Nick (our puppy) woke me twice during the night to be let out. I retaliated by stepping on her twice when I got up to visit my own bathroom. She slept at the foot of my bed tonight, a rare honor. Altogether I think I had three hours of sleep. I'll probably nap this afternoon.
No plans for the day. I may go grocery shopping. I would like to see Reign of Fire or Men in Black II but I doubt I've the enterprise to get out and do it.
An anal-retentive note for Chip:
In proper or satisfactory operational or working order: checked to see if the tires were all right.
Acceptable; agreeable: Delaying the repair is all right by me. all-right (ôlrt) Informal. Satisfactory; good: an all-right fellow; an all-right movie.
Correct: Your answers are all right. Average; mediocre: The performance was just all right, not remarkable.
Uninjured; safe: The passengers were shaken up but are all right.
Fairly healthy; well: I am feeling all right again.adv.
In a satisfactory way; adequately: I held up all right under pressure.
Very well; yes. Used as a reply to a question or to introduce a declaration: All right, I'll go. Without a doubt: It's cold, all right.
Usage Note: Despite the appearance of the form alright in works of such well-known writers as Langston Hughes and James Joyce, the single word spelling has never been accepted as standard. This is peculiar, since similar fusions such as already and altogether have never raised any objections. The difference may lie in the fact that already and altogether became single words back in the Middle Ages, whereas alright has only been around for a little more than a century and was called out by language critics as a misspelling. Consequently, one who uses alright, especially in formal writing, runs the risk that readers may view it as an error or as the willful breaking of convention.Chip: if it's good enough for James Joyce, It's good enough for me.
I had a great conversation with Chip today. I enjoy talking with him quite a lot. Furthermore, he was actually here for this conversation (see the retraction above).
I met Dr. Limburger today (henceforeward Dr. Ron) and enjoyed my conversation with him. I am going to work with him and Dr. Pontiac to get my meds straightened up. I won't see Dr. Lemons until the 29th. I hope to be on a slightly better footing by then.
My first meeting with Dr. Ron was a little delayed as I had to go to the hotel at lunch to pick up all the things I forgot to bring in the morning (my schedule tape, lunches, etc.) The van was not available when I wanted to go back so I wound up walking. That delayed me almost fifteen minutes. I must remember to tell Shojun, however, that I have passed all conceivable mobility tests he has to offer I have matriculated by crossing Main Street on my own. I might add that I did so without benefit of the frikkin traffic light as I could not find the button. There are 37 poles on that corner with a myriad (literally ten thousand, I counted) protrusions, none of which are a signal button. At least if any of them were I was unaware of it. Eventually traffic stopped. Either the light occasionally works on its own or I pushed the button at some point. I bolted across the street and didn't die.
I am eager to get home. I enjoy my outing in KC but I have spent all my time in the hotel room or at AlphaPointe. I just haven't the energy or enterprise to get out.
On the way home Billy Joe received a phone call to the effect that a friend had passed away unexpectedly. He has been on the road for about six hours already what with riding to KC with my sister and back with her and me. This will add a couple of hours to that. He and my sister will head to his home for the weekend.
I have had the most amazing headache today. I really don't know what to do about it. Susanne wont give me an aspirin. It seems to be against some rule or other. I am otherwise just having a bad day generally. I am sincerely depressed for the first time since I've been taking effexor. In some ways it is better than the "cheerful Karl" personality I've been wearing for the last few weeks. I really hate the cheerful guy that effexor sort of superimposes on me. On the other hand being in a bad mood is not precisely a relief either. I wish I could go through my life on autopilot as do so many of my experience and acquaintance.
I really can't tolerate feeling like I'm not being myself. Even if that self is not a friendly cheerful sort, it is at least who I am.
Things at AlphaPointe have not changed much. I am doing my best to initiate some dialogues as to what I should be doing in the future. There have been allusions to staying in my current position but I don't know if that is even possible, much less desirable. The last time I tried to go on with this it was so defeating a process that I tried to kill myself. I don't like being unable to affect my surroundings and I do not feel that I am able to do that at all right now. It is really a pisser in my view. I want badly to get on with either getting back to work or get on with something.
I now have my disability forms in hand and I will be contacting a group in KC that does advocacy, and will be in touch either with a lawyer or with Binder & Binder. I really think that I need some time in my life to come to terms with my vision. I have spent all my time trying to compensate and have never really learned to do with what I have in stead of doing instead of what I used to do. I can apparently type about 40 words a minute. that is good and I still feel like it sucks. It does suck in my mind, because I used to type so much faster. I need to let go of all that but I don't know how!
Jim (here at AlphaPointe) has connected me with a bunch of web sites where I can contact people, but I have little hope that they will amount to much. Most of them I have already seen. There were a couple of new ones, though.
I don't know where the whole AlphaPointe experience is taking me, but there certainly should be enough expertise here for me to draw on to decide whether I should try to continue in my job or find some other position. Once that is decided I think that I'll have to try for some training and for disability before I can do a different job. It would really be much easier to continue with my current company but I don't know if it is a reasonable option. My boss has been great to me in many ways but there doesn't seem to be any other job I can do at my current site and there doesn't seem to be much realistic chance of a different job even at a new site. I am going to have to ask him point-blank whether or not I can continue where I am or if not, whether I can get some time of an exit package.
I would like at least to get all my stock and some sort of package that would allow me to use cobra for the next 18 months given my medical problems. If I can't do that I don't see much of a future for me.
I've never been the sort that defined myself by my job. I've been "dad," "the movie guy," "the restaurant guy," the sweaty german guy," and a host of other guys, even "the programmer," but never the "FPL guy," or "the Verizon guy." Maybe that's a problem. I really hate giving up my current job's benefits because their lack will cause some major hardships on my family as well as on me. Much of the current inflexibility of this position I am in relates to my family.
On the family front, Joe will be arriving with his finaceé in just two weeks. I think it will be a good thing. He keeps extending his stay a week or so every time he calls. I don't give a damn if he stays forever. As long as we can get by he is welcome. I think my sister feels the same way and I am sure that my mother will love him like a grandson. I just hope his fianceé will like us. We are a surly bunch.
If I could hide, in my dreams
where the bluebird brightly sings
the six o'clock alarm
would never ring.
But six rings and I rise
with a blur before my eyes
and the water of the shower
is the voice that sings.
No cheer in sleeping dreams
nor daydreams walking free
no daydream believer's melody
to set my spirit free.
Last night's sleep was uncomfortable. I don't remember dreaming, but I was up again and again.
I am having some good conversations with the staff at AlphaPointe. I think, though, that a lot of what I want from this place is not going to happen. THe simple fact of the matter is that I can't make a decision at the moment on a "vocational goal" without something to tip me one way or the other. Nothing I'm likely to hear at AlphaPointe seems a probable catalyst for such a decision.
I hope AlphaPointe will supply me a sort of "benchmark" to tell me if my expectations and assumptions match others' perceptions of me and my situation. Thus far I see no major conflicts with reality shaping up. Unfortunately, that leaves me pretty much where I started. At work they kept saying, "Let us know what you need," which helped not at all - it puts on me the onus of knowing, somehow, what it was that I needed. AlphaPointe is turning out to be somewhat of the same situation, their litany is "you can do pretty much whatever you want." I've been doing that. It hasn't worked.
I will bring up these things in my "staffing" which is to be Tuesday afternoon (the 16th).
Quiet days are often filled
with sleeplessness and a manic joy
of drugs and medicine and pills
Daylight hours are not for sleep
and nighttime walks are dark and deep.
I wait at night for changes
and walk abroad awaiting
to end the endless baiting.
Nighttime hours are not for sleep
and in daytime walks exhaustion creeps.
Juxtaposition of my life's desires
feed all night the sullen fires
of thoughts constricted around my eyes
to shining starlight that dimming dies.
The day consisted largely of more tests and more filling in of various forms. The tests are not really interesting, but have put me in the mood for testing. Back in the '80s I took my ACT or SAT (whichever) over again and scored the same as in my HS days. I can't remember the number, but I 1610 sticks in my mind. That was either my score or the date on which the test was devised. It would appear that since that time my math skills have deteriorated. I somehow managed to forget a lot of my algebra. *sigh*
In days when song
upon my lips was strange
and light upon my brow
but rather shadows rested.
I walked in ease
and waked to breezes
that cooled the mind
and soothed the soul.
In days of conversation
and chants inane to
people I know not
I rest not well nor
find in any light
the vision of my past
which sought the unknown
and measured it to the last.