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nanowrimo 2010


Diary of a Blind Madman

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A dull, dull, dull day.
nanowrimo 2010
Nihil sine ratione faciendum est.*

Well, I'm no admire of the Vulcan virtues but that does make some sense to me. My life has been a denial of the premise for some time now. I'll try to resume some thinking before acting.

I've done little of late, just reacting. It is harder to think before reacting than before taking action. I wonder why that is so? The obvious answer, that action depends on you and reaction is — at least in part — initiated by someone else, seems inadequate as an explanation. I must ponder.

I've been doing a good bit of that … pondering, that is. I don't know where things are going for me. Too many things are out of my control. I feel afflicted. I feel deviled the way poor Don Quixote must have felt when he rode about (as he saw it) constantly confounded, thwarted, generally being given a good drubbing in the process, by malevolent enchanters. So many things in my life are invisible to me these days these days and equally, intangible. Decisions are being made about me — that affect my life profoundly — into which I have little input before the fact and no means of redress after the fact.

I'm willing to accept the fact that I have suffered a disaster, though the recognition of that comes hard to me in any intellectual sense, but I cannot bring myself to believe that I am so utterly in others' hands. I'm not a trusting soul. I never have been. My past experience with such things indicate to me that human nature will cause people to act well and conscientiously on my behalf only to the degree that they are observed. This is true of human nature that any man, when in the public view, will uphold and observe the tenets of his religion, the principles of his ethos, the precepts of his morality, for it is by the censure of those that view that the social contract, the groups, ethos is enforced. A man unobserved, however, tends to be somewhat more "flexible" in his behavior. This is what I fear. The actions being taken are being done in almost complete secrecy and at several removes from any "retribution" or censure. That's what bureaucracy does. My personal discomfort is complete.

*Nothing should be done without intelligent thought.