Karl (louderback) wrote,
Karl
louderback

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Sleepless

I can not sleep.

I can't tell you why. Maybe I'm just not tired.

I won't be going in to work tomorrow. They haven't put in the adaptive software stuff as yet. They will let me know when it is available.

Not going to work tomorrow works out OK as I have several appointments to keep. All of these are by telephone. One is with social security, another with HR at work.

It sounds like I'm not likely to get disability. That suites me but something the boss at RSB (Mr. Deejay) said has me thinking. He asked me if I could find something else to do if I did get disability … volunteer work, that sort of thing. My response to him sounded contradictory and pretty lame but I've been thinking about it for a bit.

I think I could exist on disability. I don't know that I would have a really good time but it wouldn't be Hell. The main thing is that I have never required a lot of external validation of my self-image. Those who know me will be snickering about now. I think it is a true statement, though. In an earlier post I called my self essentially "self-defined" and said that in Miami I was "Dad," or for years I was "the movie guy" to myself and a lot of people. There's a lot of "external" in those images, but they are largely chosen and refined by me. Being "Bob on disability" is not an acceptable situation and it is being pushed on me by circumstances and things largely out of my control … things even immune or unsuasible to my attempts at influence.

Still, I think that I can do this if I must. "Bob on disability" can be refined. I don't think that I would do volunteer work … it is just not my style. I might well do some business, within the constraints of my disability, like teaching. I might even dedicate myself to writing profitably … as an occasional technical writing contract. I might even churn out that "great American novel" for which history seems to be waiting.

Conversely, I would rather be working. Constraints, primarily financial, of living on disability would mean I would not have much freedom and it would likely pin me to Jefferson City like a butterfly on the board. Working, I would at least have the option of seeking another location someday. I am here for my family. I would be elsewhere in a heartbeat otherwise.

Now I'm sleepy. Maybe it'll work this time.
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