nanowrimo 2010

Louderblog

Diary of a Blind Madman

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"Just get over it"
nanowrimo 2010
louderback

Awake at 4 A.M.         Well, here's another of those midnight ramblings (more correctly: four-in-the-morning ramblings) that I usually do as voice posts. I'm awake at 4 a.m. for no particular reason other than my fucking foot hurts again. Last Friday I noticed I was low on gabepentin (neurontin) which controls the neuropathy in my left foot (and my seizures for all I know). I phoned the pharmacy expecting to pick up the scrip on Saturday. They called back; I was out of refills. Not to worry, they had faxed the renewal request to the doc and all would be well. Right. A doctor's office is going to get a scrip renewal on a Friday afternoon and just rush to respond. Well, the pharmacy advanced me enough pills to get me to Monday morning. All might have been well except it wasn't. Monday afternoon my doctor's OLD offices called to ask why we were sending them scrip requests when the doc had moved from Boone Hospital to University Hospital. The attitude was rather nasty — sort of "Why are you sending trash to our fax causing us to waste paper on you? I called my pharmacy and explained that they needed to send to the doc's new number. They argued with me. "Well none of our other clients have a different fax number for that doctor." Like I don't know that my doctor has changed buildings and hospital affiliations? Never mind. I gave them his phone number. They faxed the voice line. When it didn't work, they quit. Sort of an "I told you so" attitude I guess. They couldn't call and get the fax number, somehow that was my job. I called I got the fax number and it finally went through. Today is now Tuesday and I have missed six doses of my medication. I spent literally hours holding onto my foot groaning and twitching from the pain. That night I had a seizure. The next day I spent groaning and twitching. Scrip still hadn't come through. My sis (by this time I was incapable of holding the phone due to the pain) phoned my M.D. and got him to write the scrip. That got sent immediately and she picked up the meds and I am now moderately sane. My doctor in Columbia still hasn't sent through the refill authorization.

Still Not Writing         I have not been writing. I am still not writing. I have had whatever energy I might put into writing — and it takes considerable amounts — ground out of me. I don't know when my writing bug will return. They my collaborator has almost finished the Star Trek fanfic-ish novel almost on his own already. I hereby officially jump ship. I can't work in a vacuum and he doesn't need me anyway. My own novel, well I guess I'll just stack it up against the five of six NaNoWriMo efforts that failed and call my record one of seven. Maybe next year.

Still Sick         I think a big part of what is going on is that I am still sick. The slightest irregularity in my pill schedule or even a mild fluctuation in blood sugar seems to set my foot off to screaming and throbbing and making me insane. I never realized what a big baby I was when in pain. Let it be known that you don't need to torture me to get all my secrets, just take my pills away. I don't know why fluctuations in my diet have such a big effect. My sugar can be 385 (and has been) or 72 (and has been) and my foot hurts in either condition. It seems to be when my sugars are changing, especially when they are changing in a downward direction that the pain is worst.

Over Medicated         Honestly, I think it has to do with the fact that I am severely over-medicated.

  • Hydrocodone/Ibu 7.5/200 as needed
  • Clonazepam 0.5mg twice daily and as needed
  • Morning
  • 1 100mg amiodirone
  • 1 81 mg aspirin
  • 1 Boniva 15th of each month
  • 2 600mg caltrate calcium + D
  • 1 6.25mg carvedilol
  • 1 0.25mg digoxin
  • 1 120mg cardizem
  • 1 60mg cymbalta
  • 1 250/50 advair discus
  • 2 600mg gabepentin
  • 1 10mg lisinopril
  • 1 40mg lovastatin
  • 1 30mg actos
  • 1 500mg depakote
  • 1 20 mg omeprazole/prilosec (as needed) - I never need this
  • 1 500mg diabetes formula multivitamin
  • 30 units humalog insulin + 2 units per 25 over 150 -- 30 minutes before meals
  • Noon
  • 2 600mg gabepentin
  • 1 Clonazepam 0.5mg
  • 30 units humalog insulin + 2 units per 25 over 150 -- 30 minutes before meals
  • Night
  • 1 250/50 advair discus
  • 2 600mg gabepentin
  • 70 units lantus insulin if needed
  • 1 500mg depakote
  • 1 Clonazepam 0.5mg
  • 30 units humalog insulin + 2 units per 25 over 150 -- 30 minutes before meals
  • 1 30mg lantus + 2 units per 25 over 150 at bedtime as needed

         Unless I counted wrong, that's 22 separate meds, some taken 3 times a day. Nobody, no way, nohow, will convince me that any computer, doctor, pharmacist, or psychic will be able to tell me accurately what all the interactions of all that shit will be. It's no wonder I feel sick! I'm over-medicated. I have talked to my cardiologist and he assures me I need all those pills. I've talked to my shrinkologist and he assures me I need those pills. I've talked to my medicologist and he assures me I need those pills and my endocrinologist likewise. Nobody is willing to give an inch of ground. Damn them all to one of the lower and unpleasant depths of hell. Maybe the ring for Gluttons would be OK, if demons would stuff them again and again with pills until they burst.

         OK, OK, OK. I'm not really all that mad at my doctors, I'm just frustrated and tired of being sick, and weak, and depressed all the time.

         Oh well, as everyone in the goddam fucking planet keeps saying to me, I guess I'll "just get over it".


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