nanowrimo 2010

Louderblog

Diary of a Blind Madman

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2006.4.1
nanowrimo 2010
louderback
Today's Movie Quote: "Memory … is what I have instead of a view."

         The discovery of the above quote stirred up a lot of bad feelings on a day when bad feelings were the rule. I woke from a series of "visualizations" at around 2am. I use the word "visualizations" advisedly as I was not precisely dreaming. Rather, series of free-form thoughts flowed rapidly through my mind, visually strong, much as dreams are, and movie-like in nature. The "visualizations" changed rapidly and frequently leaving me only lightly asleep as the energy of these chimeras of invention were unsettling and often left me with my heart pounding. A few hours of this form of sleep, if it was sleep, left me ennervated. Once fully awake I was unable to return to slumbering despite considerable lassitude. I did rest after breakfast, at about 8am. My three-hour nap, though a deeper sleep, did not restore me.

         I'll not relate the topics of my non-dreams from last night. They are motley and many and would require vast explication for them to be lucid to other than myself. Their free-form nature, the rapidity, and intensity of them left my heart pounding more than once. Though I don't recall any fear per se my arousal was largely due to a nascent dejection that never fully coalesced. I seldom dream about the condition of my vision. In my dreams, I see normally. I think last night much of my distress centered around awareness of my visual limitations. Perhaps the greatest stress in my life in a quotidian sense has long been, and remains, the discomfort and helplessness I feel when faced with an obstacles that are newly so because of changes in my vision. Consider as an example the following — I find it overwhelming (though it should not be) to deal with the many obstacles encountered when grocery shopping. The list of problems I encounter are long and listing of them nugatory. Let it avail for my purpose to point out that grocery shopping now takes me four or more hours for a trip that used to take thirty minutes. The basis for this is the regular advent of new problems in the process of shopping. Frequent changes in the process, in the stores, in my needs, leave me unable to call most trips to the grocery a success and rarely allow me to escape unstressed.

         Now, I do not want you to be concerned about my grocery shopping. I've found a workable solution and can find more when needed. My point is that the single banal process is but one of many that rub my nose in the fact that there are things I simply can no longer do, must do differently, or which require the intercession of another for completion. This is maddening to me more due to its changing nature and the routine humiliation of undertaking a task and discovering myself incompetent in its execution. I find I prefer not to venture forth than to discover that the execution of a mundane task has become an adventure. I've never been a timid sort, but I find this terrifying on more than one level.

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All I can say is...I hear you.

Just imagining what you go through frightens me.

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